You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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