apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
