Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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