I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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