Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
