Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
