Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
