great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
