My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
