I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
