I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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