I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
