Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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