The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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