You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
