Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
