I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
