i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
