You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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