38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
