What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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