it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
