Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
