his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
