Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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