They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
