I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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