Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
