If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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