Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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