I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
