The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
