Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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