When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
