Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
