I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
