I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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