I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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