the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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