I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
