My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
