i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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