So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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