Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He did a backflip because drugs
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
