when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
