my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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