I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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