I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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