Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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