I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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