Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
